This is going to be a tough entry here for me to write. But I think it is what I have to do. i apologive for grammaticla errors and typos. I just have to get this out.

As some of you have read, my dh has had an “illness” for over two years. he started getting rage attacks, uncontrollable urges in May of 04. He has been on and off disability since then. My family has been through hell and back numerous times over and over in this period. No one knows why this happens, and noo one knows how to stop it. It is terrifying to me that at any moment, he could have an “episode” as we call them. My kids have gone thorugh this hell with me and I have tried to keep them sheltered from it as much as possible. But that is impossible. he just called me fro work, he in the midst of an episode and is trying to talk himself through it without storming out of work, quitting. or breaking something.
I worry constantly for him, for my kids, for my family’s future. There aRE DAYS i FEEL THAT i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE. Which makes me feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I love him with all of my heart. I want us to be happy like we used to be. We still have really good moments, in between the shit. If I didn’t love him so much it would actually be easier for me.
I had been in therapy myself for well over a year, including treatment for my eating disorder. I use food too control myslef when life is out of control. Or I deny food to punish myself? I def, use not eating to keep the pain away- of ht ethoughts and fears. Obsessing about food and calories becomes my “outlet” just like an alcoholic needs a drink to keep his/her mind of the bad stuff.
I am sitting here crying b/c I can’t go on somedays. I can’t keep the worry and fear away. I can’t pretned any more that its ok.
When will this end?


10 responses to “Illness

  1. Oh honey, my heart is tearing for you. There is no way anyone can imagine the hell you must be going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. I wish I had some words of wisdom or a magic wand that I could wave and make it all better for your family.

    I’m glad you are in therapy to take care of yourself. But I can also understand why you feel the way you do.

    Oh damn. I wish I could do or say something to make it easier for you. Feel free to vent to me anytime you want. I can always listen.

    Much love to you and your family.
    Hang on to the good moments.

  3. I will lift you and your family up in prayer. I wish I could do more to help.

  4. (((Hugs))), sweetie! I wish I could give you something to hang onto, but I will pray–that’s all I know how to do 🙂 Vent here anytime you feel like it…you’re among friends and we can take it!

  5. We need to talk. I have been there and survived. I will email you within a day or so.

  6. Both of my daughters were diagnosed BiPolar: one when she was 11 and the other at 14. Now they are 30 and 31. They both had rage attacks as well as suicidal episodes and I know the hell you are living. I lived through it for many years. Maybe you can look up a chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) which is a support group that helps family members. They were a lifesaver for me, my husband, and our family. It sounds like you need support of people who know what you are going through. If you aren’t interested in NAMI, please check with your family doctor and see what the doctor could recommend. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  7. WoW! I am so sorry, sounds like you have lots of good advice and support here…my dh has had rage attacks for years and somehow had a breakthrough.Hes a different person. I pray for your family to be healed and therapy is great for you…keep it up. {{hugs}}

  8. Oh faerywings I just want to give you a hug. I feel for you. I’m so so sorry things are so hard for you.. Keep moving forwards one day at a time and I will be thinking of you and hoping something will change for you very soon. *hug*

  9. What does a person say to something so serious like this? Except that I am sorry you have this in your life. I wish there was something I could do to help you. All I can say is that you are in my thought and that you are not alone. Talk, blurt, shout, blog -do it all if it makes you feel better honey!
    We will always read your entries!

  10. i just wanted to say ditto to what everyone before me has said. Please take care of yourself.I truly hope that all your hurt will ease soon.

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