This is going to be a tough entry here for me to write. But I think it is what I have to do. i apologive for grammaticla errors and typos. I just have to get this out.
As some of you have read, my dh has had an “illness” for over two years. he started getting rage attacks, uncontrollable urges in May of 04. He has been on and off disability since then. My family has been through hell and back numerous times over and over in this period. No one knows why this happens, and noo one knows how to stop it. It is terrifying to me that at any moment, he could have an “episode” as we call them. My kids have gone thorugh this hell with me and I have tried to keep them sheltered from it as much as possible. But that is impossible. he just called me fro work, he in the midst of an episode and is trying to talk himself through it without storming out of work, quitting. or breaking something.
I worry constantly for him, for my kids, for my family’s future. There aRE DAYS i FEEL THAT i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LOOK TOWARDS THE FUTURE. Which makes me feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I love him with all of my heart. I want us to be happy like we used to be. We still have really good moments, in between the shit. If I didn’t love him so much it would actually be easier for me.
I had been in therapy myself for well over a year, including treatment for my eating disorder. I use food too control myslef when life is out of control. Or I deny food to punish myself? I def, use not eating to keep the pain away- of ht ethoughts and fears. Obsessing about food and calories becomes my “outlet” just like an alcoholic needs a drink to keep his/her mind of the bad stuff.
I am sitting here crying b/c I can’t go on somedays. I can’t keep the worry and fear away. I can’t pretned any more that its ok.
When will this end?