II know that this prompt was from days ago, but I felt it was important for me to write some of this down.
Right now, i do not know how to heal. I am focusing on survival. Day by day- really at some times minute by minute.
What I need to remember is that I have healed before. Maybe not allothe way- the hurts and fears are still there. Just more “dealable.” The last couple of years have been a roller coater with enormous ups and downs. The fact that there have been ups- some even for extended periods of weeks and months lets me know, I can feel happy again. Sadly I have also come to learn to not trust that feeling. I know that is something I am going to need to work on– when I amable to feel healed.
Survival- keeeping one foot in from of the other, keeping my kids lives as stable as possible. That is what I need to focus on. The healing will come in time.
Sadly therapy has been over for a little less than a year. My treatment for’ the ED was ended very abruptly by my insurance company as they had deemed me “medically stable. My treatment was to be to intensive outpatient– 21-24 sessions, three nights a week. After 12 sessions, they said I was not going to be covered any more b/c I was not losing any more weight. My team was able to fight for me to get 4 more sessions. Obviously not enough as all I had to eat yesterday was a few pieces of lettuce and a tomato and cheese sandwich.
But I know if I ever do want to heal, that starving of myself has to stop. I do know that. At the time it seems like the only way to numb the pain and gain control.
My psych. therapy also ended- as my insurance was grumbling that I had hit my yearly amount of treatment- and at that point in time I was better…. now I feel like I have nothing to say? Same old shit, different day….
For now, it is important for me to have an outlet. This blogging is a good start. And again, I think all of you fromt he bottom of my heart for all of your good thoughts.
I have to survive by reminding myself of the good I have in life.
I have two beautiful kids, a good extended family, good friends, and the part of me- that may be not feeling it right now– but the core of me that is strong.
Thanks and many blessings to you all.